Cowan Palace: Knocked Up, Knocked Around, And The Tech Week Known As January

Ashley Cowan’s first blog of the year!

I’ll be honest with you all because starting the year as a liar would just be sad. This is the first week in my Theater Pub career that I actually forgot that I had a blog to complete and started writing it without a plan.

See, as much as I enjoy the occasional spontaneous adventure, I thrive off of color coded schedules and detailed notes. But here we are! Each day since the official new year has started, I wake up from another stress dream and greet the morning with a groggy, “FUCK! How is it already 2015?!”

I know what you’re thinking; did homegirl just drop an F bomb? Sure did, pals. That’s what happens when I’m feeling a strong emotion. Like fear. Or anger or hunger or some kind of combination from being cold. And so far, this January has inspired a lot of those feelings on repeat.

Not only is this my first year in the Bay Area without any auditions or theatrical performances planned, but it’s also the first year I didn’t create a list of personal goals or a theme to strive for (in the past I set out to focus on yearly ideas like: doing things to scare myself, being grateful, saying yes to challenges, etc.); this time around, I settled with just surviving it. 2014 was all about change and action. It was exhausting. Exciting but endlessly exhausting.

Last month when the Theater Pub team met, we decided to make January’s focus be about downtime and balance. But personally, I arrived into 2015 already feeling like it’s tech week. Like I’m scrambling to get a production magically ready in time for opening night in a crazed state. The costumes aren’t done, some of the actors aren’t off book, and we’re still waiting on crucial props to make an appearance. Unfortunately, I haven’t been feeling too balanced with downtime on my hands.

Perhaps it’s this looming state of parenthood that has been haunting Will and me. Over the weekend, we made a to-do list of all the things that we had to get done but procrastinated and were way more productive talking through how we could turn our apartment into a giant fort of pillows and blankets (yeah, we’re ready to be parents!). Or maybe it’s my insurance that ripped the ground from underneath us when they terminated their relationship with our chosen medical practice 11 weeks before this baby is due leaving us to try and find a new provider with very limited time. Or maybe it was simply being asked if we planned to take a maternity/paternity leave from the blog to adjust to the baby’s arrival and presence; something that honestly hadn’t managed to even cross our minds until we were asked about it because it’s something we’re not sure how to best answer yet.

Or maybe it’s just January! It’s not the easiest transition from the jolly holidays to the pressures of making this new year somehow better than the last. Heading back into the office or the realities of work in real pants after a few days of over indulging in festive foods and decadent desserts in sweatpants (that wasn’t just me, right?).

So perhaps my theme of the year really will be simply to survive. To get to opening night and let this production run its course. And maybe that’s okay! Perhaps surviving the everyday will give me a better appreciation for the simple stuff without needing to constantly check things off in another dream journal. Until then, let’s just be nice to each other as we adjust back into our non-sweatpant attire again.

You’re Being Watched (Or: Too Much of Everything Except Helen of Troy)

It’s the last Cowan Palace of 2014!

As I write this, a yawn catches my throat. Not from boredom but from sheer exhaustion. I mean, I can’t be alone in proclaiming this year a tiring one, right? Hands down, 2014 will go be remembered in the Ashley Cowan history books as a time of action, impact, and extremes. Within the same time frame, I’ve experienced huge highs of celebration and joy and also cried harder and used more profanity than ever before.

For being such a dramatic year though, I have to mention that I also completed it without acting in a play! Aside from some staged readings, I’ve gone through these last few months sans a production to truly call my own. A first for my time in the Bay Area. But yet it’s been an interesting writing year for me. Along with hitting some personal goals, I’ve also angered and hurt people through writing Cowan Palace that I never intended or imagined would be so impacted or influenced. And that’s a heavy heartbreak I think about everyday. While I don’t regret being truthful to myself and all of you, I am sorry if my words wounded as that was never what I set out to accomplish. Sometimes my feelings got the best of me and I didn’t always realize how they could be understood. With all the moments of this past year, I know I’ll look back and realize all the things I learned and all the things I was meant to learn.

And, I’m not the only one. Last night, my fellow Theater Pub bloggers met for our semi annual discussion to chat about areas we’d like to celebrate and places we could improve.

Overall, we seemed optimistic and eager to take the lessons of 2014 into a new year. And the big theme of the evening was, “you’re being watched”. Meaning, folks are turning to us as a media source. We’re writing things that people are paying attention to and we’re continuing to take a stance in the Bay Area theater scene. Cool, right? So thank you for that!

And, duh, I’m not saying that EVERYONE is watching us and we’re tots the most popular thing in town; but in terms of the local artistic community, we’re a voice that continues to get stronger. Which is something that comes with responsibility.

I’m grateful to be a part of that. I’ve been humbled these past several months in countless ways. Somehow, I found a comfort in admitting my fears and frustrations as a theater-maker and as a gal just trying to get through the day through this blog. I’m grateful to be involved with a team of other writers who have helped pushed me forward when I needed a little more strength and also who could balance my thoughts when I wanted to let my emotions drive.

In the middle of our meeting break, Stuart shared with me a fortune he received recently that he’s decided to keep close to heart (literally, he’s carrying it around because it’s a good one). It reads, “You will continue to take chances and be glad you did”.

I’m going to steal that thought for a bit. Yes, most of the time, this year felt like “too much” of just everything. Too many changes, too many feelings, and not enough time to process it. But, I think it also made us bolder and braver. Partially, because we didn’t really have a choice. We had to keep going, we had to move forward.

But, I am tired! And I’m ready to let everything settle again. Next year will be full of new things, too. I aim to be better blogger and a stronger member of this community because if you are watching, I’d like to make you proud. Or at least, entertain you with my struggles. And maybe next year, I’ll attempt to actually include Helen of Troy in a blog (because for some reason, Stuart’s blogs about her continue to be some of Theater Pub’s most popular articles)! Until then, many thanks to my fellow Theater Pub writers and to all of you who have made 2014 so wondrous.