We’re trying a little experiment where two of our columnists are working together on the same story. Here’s Allison Page, bringing you part two today. Also, while posting this, I (Stuart) ate a Choco-Taco, and feel it’s very important that you know that.
When last we left our heroes, they had just realized that due to their lack of eating dinner, they had four drinks in a little over an hour…on an empty stomach. And the first match hadn’t even started yet.
Anthony: After the memorial for Butternuts, business picks up as the Hoodslam Band fires up and Broseph takes the stage and takes an audience already at 9.5 to 11 Million. They love this fuckin’ guy.
Allison: They’re not the only ones. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. And before you ask, no I don’t have a problem. Shut up. The opening of Hoodslam is always crazy, loud, and filled with chanting from the fans who also know the opening speech so well, they shout it along with Broseph.
Anthony: Broseph shares some words about his dear friend, Butternuts or “My LIttle Bronie”. All of the sudden he’s interrupted by the horrible man who killed butternuts last month, The “One-Eyed Dickless Monster” Brian Kendrick. (Last month, Before being killed, Butternuts bit off Kendricks penis and took out an eye, which if you compare to a lot of ancient Greek theatre it’s not that weird.) HOLY SHIT, IT’S PAUL LONDON. (They were a tag team together and former WWE Tag Team Champs, and they’re here.). Then, The Stoner Brothers (Another Tag Team, who in fact smoke a lot of weed in the ring.) come out to defend the honor of Butternuts, and they will square off in the Main Event Tonight! This is all completely logical and normal because Wrestling.
Anthony: Broseph takes his place at the announce table, he will provide commentary throughout the evening. In effect, he is the narrator of the story. First match is a Six-person tag team match (That’s two, three person tag teams.): We are just excited about everything right now. And wouldn’t you know it, one of the wrestlers in the match is our new best friend Zangeif, this guy is awesome, is he the good guy or the bad guy? I don’t care, I hope he wins. He doesn’t but that’s okay, because in wrestling, winning doesn’t matter, it’s how badass you looked.
Allison: I sort of remember this? Wow, am I losing things already?
Editors note: This is the point where we only tracked time for when we drank, not for the matches, so things might be off a bit.
Anthony: Allison is pulling ahead of me with her next drink, she went to the bathroom and came back with another cocktail, maaaaan. Round 6, Whiskey and Ginger
Allison: Drinks are important. And that makes the bathroom also important. But when you have 1,000 people crammed into a room and you have managed to secure a spot right next to the ring, your best move is to befriend a dozen people around you, to form enough of a bond that they feel a sham loyalty to you and it’s understood that they should hold your spot. THIS WORKS REALLY FUCKING WELL.
Anthony: Around now(ish) a four-way match begins. (That means four wrestlers all fight at once.) The winner would become the Number-one contender For the “Golden Gig”, their version of a Championship. The combatants were Sub-Zero (Of Mortal Kombat Fame) appropriately escorted to the stage by Sindel (If you don’t get it, google it, if you do get it, you’re a nerd.), Ken (of Street Fighter fame), who was escorted by Cammy. (It’s important to note that Cammy and her Ass receive separate introductions, “Cammy’s Ass” chant’s are common.) The third competitor was named Juiced Lee, rounding out the group was “The Mexican Werewolf”, El Chupacabra. He was bad-ass. In the end, Sub-Zero got the win, with a mind blowing freeze move, which involved blue silly string, but I got the point. Peter lost his shit.
Allison: I think this was near the time that I spilled whiskey in the ring (yes, I was that close to it) and started laughing. I think I winked at somebody. It’s hard to say. I made Peter hold my phone. Ya know, because it’s soooo cumbersome.
9:51 PM (We’ll Assume)
Anthony: Screw you guys I’m getting another drink, I battle through the sea of humanity and eventually make my way back just in time for the next match. Anthony’s
round 6: Whiskey and Ginger Ale, because apparently we hate change.
Allison: Never mix, never worry! (Yes, that is a Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf reference)
Anthony: Oh dang, it’s the Intergalactic Cyborg Death Match. Remember when we mention the guy with giant wrench hand? This is where that comes into play. His name is Techno Destructo, his opponent tonight is Doc Atrocity. I’m pretty sure that the folks who designed GWAR’s outfits made this one. It’s a glorious robot fight, it ends with Wrench-hand (Not his given wrestler name.) HAVING IT CUT OFF BY ANOTHER GUY WITH A CHAINSAW ROBOT HAND! DEAR LORD! THERE ARE SLIMEY CYBORG GUTS EVERYWHERE! It is at this point, the audience chants “This is Real”.
Allison: I am STILL grossed out about whatever that yellow gloppy stuff was. It landed 4 inches from my hand. Peter wiped it up with a towel that he found. I guess he found a towel.
Anthony: We are officially drunk, Allison looks back at me and says “I CAN SEE TWO OF YOU!.” Man, we got drunk fast, the Metro makes cheap, stiff drinks people. God bless em all.
Allison: I don’t remember that and I don’t deny it.
Anthony: In between matches, as he does throughout the show, Brody is circling around the ring with a bottle of whiskey, he pours shots into the mouths and cups of fans at ringside, he sees Allison, gives her a wink that can only say “I picked you up earlier, literally” and pours a shot into her mouth. She is now at drink 7.
Allison: Now this I DO remember. Because while I got 80% of the whiskey in my mouth, the other 20% ended up on my body like some terrible, unsatisfying version of Girls Gone Wild.
Anthony: The next match is high drama it was SUPPOSED to be Dark Sheik (AKA our other new best friend) VS Marty McFlux BUT out come The Butabi Brothers, “The Nights of the Roxbury” as they enter to “What is Love’’ it’s exactly what you think it is, friggin hilarious-awesome, I’M DRUNK NOW SO IM GONNA TALK IN CAPS AND INVENT NEW WORDS USING A HYPHEN. Last month The Dark Sheik predicted Anthony Butabi was gonna die in a month, and you just can’t go around saying that shit. So it is ON.
10:47 PM (Give or Take):
Anthony: Allison has round 8, I have dropped out, because at this point, it may harm me in a not funny way. Luckily, I’m pretty wasted, the atmosphere in the building is in fact 72% Marijuana smoke.
Allison: This is where I started shouting “WHERE’S ANTHONY? DID ANTHONY DIE? OH MY GOD WE KILLED ANTHONY!”
Anthony: I decide to go outside for a few minutes to breathe air, there’s a sweet spot in the outdoor smoking area where you can still see the show. This is where I hung for a while. And thank god I did, because the next match features Team GAME OVER, a team consisting of a man named “Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer” (Or PONG) and his partner,”Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer” a very large man who eats and throws most of his food into the crowd, food like cottage cheese (Last month) , this month god only knows, but I’m happy to not be in the splash zone. Teaming up with Jesus Cruz, also known as “Super Barrio Brother”, they riled up the audience like classic old school wrestling heels (bad guys), they threw food. Thier opponents tonight, Cereal Man ( A Wrestler who wears a large cereal box on his head when entering the ring, and is actually really good.), “The Dark Noche” Bat Manuel, and (Drumroll) “Ultragirl” Brittany Wonder, Excitement abounds. I was still towards the back, so I have no idea if Allison started crying, I’ll assume she did.
Allison: I’m pretty sure he threw fucking NACHOS this time. Thankfully it’s harder to spread nachos around, so I think it was concentrated on one part of the audience. I did not get hit. Otherwise I don’t remember that match. It’s just nachos to me.
11:20 PM (ESQUE)
Anthony: I hate myself for aging, I used to be in the front row for everything, now I’m just an old bastard who needs to sit down for a moment. That and my balance is awesome right. Look at me, I used to be young and beautiful, I could do 6 shots and then cartwheels. OH DANG! I get my 55th wind as Ini Kamoze’s seminal classic “Here Comes The Hotstepper” begins to play. Because that means the Hoodslam Golden Gig Champion is coming out, that man is Drugz Bunny. He wears a rubber bunny nose and uses cocaine like Popeye uses spinach (Fake, one assumes, unless Hoodslam’s budget is insane.) Oh, and he’s an awesome wrestler. This match is a great time to point out this isn’t just all silliness, there is also some fantastic wrestling (If that’s your thing.) Drugz and Virgil Flynn III put on a rad match. I’m 26 sheets to the wind and in full-on Mark-Mode (Mark: Def; A big wrestling fan, traditionally not “in on the joke.”). I am the Bee Girl at the end of the Blind Melon Video ( For everyone under 30, just google it)
Allison: I think I started leaning pretty hard on the person next to me at this point. I don’t remember the match, which is too bad because I have teenage crushes on both Drugz and Virgil. Oh well. Next time.
11:45 PM (ISH)
Anthony: The crowd has thinned out a bit, so I make my way back to Allison and Peter. Peter is a saint because Allison is…jovial.
Allison: HEY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Anthony: What wrong with being jovial? I’m hecka jovial. I’m about to watch London and Kendrick, I’m in Wrestle-Nerd heaven. With one second of their entrance music the audience goes batshit for London and Kendrick’s opponent, “FROM STONER UNIVERSITY IN BLUNTSVILLE, SMOKELAHOMA”, the Heroes of Hoodslam, The Stoner Brothers. They bring an entourage of people with them, including a guy with a huge beard and their cheerleader, lady wrestler and my teenage crush, Missy Hyashit (Pronounced “High as Shit”). The match is action packed and then, Paul London in a classic heel move, reaches into his trunks and pulls out…his balls.
Allison: At first I thought they had to be fake, and then I realized…no. Those are balls. Those are totally balls.
Anthony: Like really, he then proceeds to wrestle the rest of the match with his balls out. Which I assume is a metaphor for how hard he works.
Allison: A couple of times, the balls tried to crawl back into the shorts – probably at the peak of testicular awareness – like they KNEW they weren’t supposed to be out…and then he would pull them back out again, convention be damned.
Anthony: Now the action has gone outside the ring onto that dirty, dirty floor. In order to help her team, Missy Hyashit (Pronounced High as Shit) gives her name a double meaning as she climbs to the top rope, AND HURLS HERSELF ONTO LONDON AND KENDRICK IN THE CROWD, SWEET BABY JESUS! There are hearts coming out of my head. Jump to me Missy I shall catch you, or I’ll have peter do it for me with his big dreamy arms. The drama continues in the ring when just when you think the Stoners will get the pin, London and Kendrick rob the coffin and use Butternuts corpse as a weapons, those MONSTERS! Kendrick uses a superkick with Butternut’s head on his boot and gets the pin. The villains run off into the night until next month, what a show. I’m all liquor and emotions.
Anthony: headed home, Allison is significantly younger and drunker than me. We are starving, We beg Peter to take us somewhere where there are cheesy fries, we are starving Mogwai’s after midnight. But his willpower is too strong,
Allison: What Anthony doesn’t know is that after we dropped him off, I started demanding a crunch wrap supreme. So much so that we went through the Taco Bell drive thru, when we did this we heard “Welcome to Taco Bell…we’re closed.” which enraged me because STOP ANSWERING IF YOU’RE CLOSED. So I ended up eating 3 carrots Peter had in his fridge. Carrots as drunk food are extremely disappointing.
Anthony: I got home, fried a bunch of stuff and made a bagel sandwich. It tasted like victory. This was such a ridiculously fun night. The show was awesome, The Metro was awesome and we met a lot of cool people. There’s really nothing like Hoodslam, it’s a church built on the rock of fun. The performers are there to have fun, the audience is there to do the same. I will be there next month, and if we’ve made any point here, it’s that you should be too.
Allison: There’s no denying it’s a theatrical experience. Even the wrestlers themselves say as much. In fact, when I approached one of the wrestlers pre-show, he said “I’d love to talk to you afterward about what you thought about our storyline.” Maybe if I’d had one less whiskey ginger, I could have made that happen.
Allison Page is a writer/actor/comedian who loves whiskey.
Anthony Miller is a theater-maker, wrestling fanatic, and tall man.
I’m pretty sure Allison took a drunken selfie with my mom.
[…] Hoodslam, a wrestling event in Oakland, California. That was several months ago. (see Part 1, Part 2). They’ve grown so much. Or […]