Eli Diamond continues his semi-monthly report on life in a theater conservatory.
So this has been a rather eventful two weeks for me. I’ve learned a little bit more about myself than I thought I would, and then I had a wonderful scene, and then I came home for a long weekend.
So I guess I’ll start from the top: The past week has been an exercise in learning who I am. In high school, I was incredibly talkative, to the point of being obnoxious. I made it my goal to hang out with whoever I could, whenever I could, and for high school, it worked. I was, in my own way, happy.
Then when college came, I tried the same things for a while. Trying to hang out with people, who, in the end, I had no connection with. Talking about nonsense with people who, in reality, I could not have cared less about. As the first six weeks of the year came to a close, I realized that, for some reason, I was unhappy, and yet, I could not figure out why. I was surrounded by friends. I’d made a few incredibly close ones. I felt incredibly happy with my girlfriend. I was learning in the healthiest environment I’d ever worked in.
Eventually, I realized what my issue was: I wanted me-time. Not like, a little bit of time to myself, but to spend hours on my own. It’s then that I got to think, got to figure out things about my life. So slowly, but surely, I started cutting people a little bit out of my life. I stopped hanging out with some of the people who I just wasn’t feeling connected to, and as a result, I got happier. After studio, instead of going to dinner with friends, I’d go to my dorm and play video games. Instead of searching for people to go to dinner with, I’d just spend time eating by myself.
It may sound a little bit depressing, but the thing is, it’s not. I’m happier. Much much happier. We spend so much time trying to impress people who really aren’t worth impressing. In the end, I’m sorry to say, but if you’re not happy, you’re not doing it right. I was so upset, feeling like I was letting people down when I wasn’t making them laugh or entertaining them. Nowadays, I don’t really give a fuck. It’s not my job to make them happy. If they’re happy around me, they’re happy around me. If not, they’re not. It’s that simple.
The only thing I dislike about this new attitude is that it becomes clear who really liked you, and who was merely around for a laugh/their own comfort. Some people who I thought I was close with did just vanish after awhile. But whatever, their loss. I’m much more comfortable with myself now, and that’s the most important thing.
So this is the end of my article. No, I didn’t get to talking about my wonderful scene-work, or my return to San Francisco, but the thing is, that’s not what this blog is about. Yes, it’s about a kid going to college. But for me, it’s more about my growth as a person rather than “What I did this week”. In the end, college is really about growing up, and learning who you are, and I’m hoping you get some happiness from sharing that experience with me.
Check back in two weeks from now, when Eli may or may not be happier…